A Look Into the Mind of Tobi
by anqiaj
Summary: Where Inoichi is sent on a task to interrogate Tobi... Oh dear...


**Disclaimer: I am not a middle-aged male nor am I Japanese so therefore I don't own Naruto. Some credit goes to the Naruto Abridged Series! (you know, the one that starts with ~Pilot no Jutsu!~?) UNEDITED, I'LL EDIT LATER.**

**A Look into the Mind of Tobi:**

'Calling all T&I jonins! We have a Code Red at the Headquarters!' Yamanaka Inoichi was suddenly jolted awake by a sudden voice over his ninja communicator. 'Repeat: We have a Code Red at the Headquarters!'

'OH SHIT!' The former Torture and Interrogation head yelled, bolting out of his bed. He then assumed the excercise of 'Panicked Shinobi Who Has Been Woken Up In The Middle Of The Night For An A-Ranked Emergency' and began rummaging through his drawers, looking for something suitable to wear at a possible high-level shinobi battle.

'What's wrong, dear?' The voice of Inoichi's wife asked from where she was sitting up on their shared king-size bed.

Inoichi looked back at her while attempting (_attempting_ is the key word here) to put on a tokebetsu jonin flak jacket, a pair of ninja pants, and his konoha hitai-ite on at the same time. Needless to say, he failed miserably.

His wife (I don't know her name, so from now on I'll call her Shirley. I'm tired of writing 'Inoichi's wife' all the time.) -Shirley- plucked a sock out of her hair from when Inoichi had been throwing clothes around in a panic. 'Are you okay, honey?'

'I'm fine!' The blue eyed shinobi replied from where he was sprawled on the floor, surrounded my bits of shattered glass. 'I just broke your... uh... antique vase...'

'S'allright.' Shirley (I could get used to that) sighed. That was the fourth time this month.

Inoichi jumped up, his flak jacket, black pants, and hitai-ite put on somewhat properly. 'Well, I gotta go! There's a code red at the T&I HQ!'

Sounds of glass breaking followed by a heavy '_thud_' and various other painful noises, followed by a 'WHAT THE HELL?!' could be heard as Inoichi smashed through the window to get outside, accidentally landed on some poor civilian's roof and plummeted into the house and causing thousands of dollars worth of damage. Inoichi hoped that the pour souls had insurance.

'Stay safe, and be home by breakfast!' Shirley called, poking her head out the demolished window. Oh, how she loved being the wife of a ninja.

'THOSE CRAZY TEENAGERS!' Ranted an angry old geezer, shaking his fist at the new addition to his home, a lovely person-shaped hole in his ceiling.

'I'M HERE, I'M HERE!' A very exhausted Inoichi, having ran all the way from the Yamanaka Compound, burst through the front doors of the T&I Headquarters, expecting to see scenes of bloody murder and extreme violence.

What he did not expect to see was a tall, orange-masked man wearing Akatsuki robes dance on the front desk.

Inoichi blinked and rubbed his eyes, then blinked a few times again. Nope, still there. Maybe he was hallucinating?

'Thank goodness you're here!' The somewhat exasperated voice of Morino Ibiki said. 'Can you perform your Mind-Control jutsu? We can't land a single hit on him, and he's messing up all the files!'

'...Did I miss something?'

'Just do it!'

'...Isn't this a code red...?'

'JUST PERFORM THE DAMN JUTSU!'

Ten minutes later, Inoichi had possessed the mind of the dancing man, and had the other T&I members tie him down on a chakra-restraining chair.

'We're gonna have to interrogate him,' Morino Ibiki said to Inoichi as the waited for the mysterious man to gain awareance of his surroundings. 'He's part of the Akatsuki.'

The blue-eyed jonin nodded, his 'Badass Interrogater' face on. 'Of course, Ibiki.'

Ibiki grunted in response. 'You're going to have to be careful, who knows what he's capable of, being in Akatsuki and all, he cou-'

'WHERE IS TOBI?!'

'...Yes, very dangerous indeed...' Inoichi stated dryly. (Shut up! -Ibiki)

'WHERE IS TOBI?!'

Inoichi decided to start with the basics of interrogation.

'What's your name?' He asked warily.

'TOBI!'

'So, _Tobi_, how old are you?'

'TOBI DOESN'T KNOW!'

'Um... ok?' Inoichi definitely had never gotten that response before. (The hell's wrong with the guy? -Ibiki)

'What are you doing here?'

'TOBI DOESN'T KNOW!'

Obviously, he wasn't going to get anywhere at this pace. _Time to get serious, _Inoichi thought (Stop making that creepy face! -Ibiki)

'Who are the Akatsuki and why are they here?' He questioned, idly playing with a scapel in one hand, a beginner's intimidation trick.

'...TOBI'S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY!' Tobi declared, his voice so loud that it made Inoichi's eardrums throb.

Obviously, if the idiot was going to continue playing dumb, then they were going to have to take things up a notch. Inoichi tried one more time: 'This is your last chance. Who are the Akatsuki and why are they here?'

'TOBI'S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY! HE PROMISED ZETSU NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING OR ANYONE IN THE AKATSUKI!'

Inoichi sighed, pressing his fingers against his temple. Was it even possible for the guy to yell even louder? Ah well, at least they got the name 'Zetsu' out of him. 'Ibiki, prepare the pre-torture interrogation. We need to convince our guest to speak up a little bit more.'

The Orange-masked ninja made a half-hiccup half-gasp sort of sound. 'NO! TOBI DOESN'T WANNA GET TORTURED!'

'Little bit to late for that, kid.' Ibiki said sardonicly.

'NO! TOBI WANTS A LOLLIPOP!'

Inoichi shared a look with Ibiki. 'Well...?'

'Gah! Alright!' Ibiki stomped out of the room, and came back seconds later holding a slightly sticky cherry-flavoured lollipop.

Inoichi gingerly took the sweet into his hands. '...Why am I getting this feeling that you just yanked this out of a kid's mouth...?'

Unfortuantely for the blond interrogator, Ibiki was kinda-sorta-really-runthehellaway pissed off. The scarred jonin grunted, still fuming about his lost chance at being able to use corkscrews and hot pokers on the annoying Akatsuki brat in front of him, and flopped down on a chair at the other side of the room, away from Inoichi.

'So, Tobi,' Inoichi started, leaning forwards and waving the lollipop in Tobi's face, watching his one visible eye follow it hynoptically. 'Say... what would you give for this lollipop? Any info on the Akatsuki you got up there?'

'YES!' Tobi practically sobbed with happiness, lunging forwards to grab the lollipop. 'TOBI IS SORTA PART OF THE AKATSUKI AND IS DEIDARA-SEMPAI'S PARTNER AND WE LIKE TO RIDE HIS GIANT CLAY BIRDS AND GO BOOM TOGETHER AND WATCH DEIDARA-SAMA-SENSEI-SEMPAI-SAN-SAMA DO HIS ART AND- **OH NO TOBI'S NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ANY** **MORE!**_'_

'_So_ close...' Ibiki whispered. 'Inoichi, why don't you just read his mind? With your Yamanaka powers and stuff?'

Inoichi looked over at Ibiki, his eyes unsure. 'Ibiki.. I'm not so sure... Who knows what's going on in his mind?... I might catch stupid, too...

'JUST DO THE JUTSU.'

'Okay!' Inoichi yelped. Slowly, he put his right hand on top of Tobi's head, and made a half-tiger seal with his other hand. Three... two... one...

_Inoichi was suddenly sucked out of the real world and plunged into the darkness of Tobi's mind. He flailed around, arms flapping uslessly as he fell through a void of blackness._

_ 'Oh crap!' He cursed, unable to see. 'How do I get out?!'_

_ Suddenly, all sensations of freefall stopped as Inoichi was deposited on a lovely -orange?- grassy field, the sun shining and a few cheerful looking clouds puffing along overhead...did the sun have sunglasses? The hell? _

_ Shaking himself out of his stupor, the blue-eyed shinobi began sifting through the topmost layer of Tobi's thoughts. As soon as he started analyzing,_ _his head was suddenly bombarded with a jumble of random memories, unessecary images, and disturbing and mentally-scarring thoughts._

_Is Tobi a good boy?_

_ Why does Tobi like lollipops?_

_ Is Tobi addicted to lollipops like Deidara-sempai is addicted to art?_

_ Will Tobi develop a speech disorder because of this?_

_ If Tobi had a speech disorder, will Deidara-sempai like him more?_

_ Is Deidara-sempai a girl?_

_ Where does Deidara-sempai get all his hairspray?_

_ Does Rin love Tobi?_

_Along with the thoughts, random transitions and pictures began appearing in Tobi's mind-field. First, a bunch of little orange-masked Tobis appeared, all dancing in a circle around a red-haird girl with bandages on her cheeks-Rin?, followed by a long, blond-haired figure dropped from the sky from a bird, wearing frilly pink dress, and then everybody poofed into smoke as if releasing a henge and suddenly there were no more Tobi's or Rin's or blond cross-dressers but instead there were dancing black and white... venus flytraps? in Akatsuki Cloaks, talking in wierd voices and morphing into -WHAT?- unicorns and ponies barfing rainbow skittles, all the while the with th Mcdonald's jingle ringing in the background-_

'YAAAAAAAARGH!' Inoichi purged himself from Tobi's mind and powerleaped away from him, where his crashed into the wal behind him and fell into a twitching, mumbling mess on the ground.

'Whoa!' Ibiki shouted, shocked at Inoichi's display of helplessness. 'Call for a medic!'

Inoichi moaned from where he was on the linoleum floor of the torture room. '...Never... make me... do that... ever... again...' he mumbled, spewing out a few random words here and there and twitching ever so often. Tobi took that chance to swirl his way outta the interrogation room. Not that anyone minded.

'Dear god,' muttered Ibiki, helping Inoichi to his feet. Biiiiiiiiiiiiig mistake. As soon as the blond was up, he immediately went to the nearest hard surface and began banging his head repeatedly on it.

'LET' _BANG_ 'ME' _THUMP _'FORGET' _WHUP _'WHAT' _CRASH _'I JUST SAW' (cue lots of thumps and crashes and other stuff like that).

Ibiki watched monotonously from the other side of the room, before calling up Mrs. Yamanaka on his ninja comm. device. Oh, was she in for a surprise when she got there.


End file.
